Harkey The Crack Turkey
by TalaDentro
Summary: The promised crack version of my Thanksgiving story. Stands on its own, you don't need to read one to understand the other. Slash, Snarry plus 1, DracoxRon, Character Fatality, a Pokemon makes an appearance.


**A/N: Here is the Crack version of Turkey Day I promised. It was much easier to write than the actual version. Crack just comes more naturally to me I guess. Does "his privates tucked into his lapel" mean what I think it does? O_O Anyway, I changed a lot and made this practically its own story, thus, I posted it under a different title as its own separate story. I will post a note on the original Turkey Day for those who were waiting for this. **

**Beta: FirstLaugh-LastTears**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any recognizable characters. I make no money. **

**Warnings: CRACK, SLASH, CHARACTER FATALITY**

Something rather abnormal was happening at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, which was saying something. What was considered abnormal in a place where students were regularly turned into animals, people traveled by fireplace, and owls were used to deliver mail? Well, I'll tell you. On the third floor corridor, on the right hand side, known enemies Severus Tobias Snape (his mom wasn't a happy woman, bit of an emo if you ask me) and Harry James Potter (both his parents were preppies with zero imagination) were shagging like rats (of course with that simile we're making the assumption that the number of rat babies coincides with the number of times they mate despite the fact that they have several –babies that is- at one time).

Forgetting the disturbing question of whether or not rats should be used as an example of creatures that have a lot of sex, let us return to the scene. Snarry (that would be "Snape" and "Harry" smushed together, which I don't understand since it should really be Sevarry since "Severus" and NOT "Snape" is his first name) was in the room Fluffy had previously guarded.

Severus had transfigured one of the large dog's old bones into a medium-sized round bed which now rested over the trap door. He had Harry pinned beneath him to said bed, doing unspeakable things to him.

For those of you who are still confused, we're talking about sex. For those of you who don't know what that is – go straight to your parents and ask them to explain. You're not allowed to read beyond this point until you have done so. *Glares*

Now that all the children have left the room, and if they haven't please cover their eyes, Severus was just about to stick tab A into slot B when Draco Malfoy burst into the room.

"You bastards!" He waved his wand about wildly, not even bothering to aim. Sev jumped up and ran over to him, intending to calm him down. He was too late, a stray spell hit Harry. There was a loud bang, followed by crunching and squelching noises. The only two non-muggle humans (one clothed and one naked if you want to get _really_ specific) in the room froze and looked toward the bed.

Where Harry had once been there was now…a turkey.

Severus slapped a hand over his eyes and groaned. He knew, just _knew_, that this would be one of those times where they wouldn't be able to figure out how to turn him back. A smart man Severus is mmmm. So he decided he'd deal with one problem at a time, starting with the one he could do something about.

"Draco, what are you doing here? Why aren't you with Ron? You remember him don't you? Your Weasel boyfriend?"

"Well what are you doing here, with _Potter_? How could you betray my father like this?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "I can see your father has once again failed to provide you with all the facts. Harry, Lucius, and I are all together."

Draco's eyes widened comically. "_All_ of you?"

Severus nodded. "_All_ of us. And how do you think your father is going to react to the news that you turned one of his lovers into a bloody bird?"

He gulped. "Not well. I, um, think I'll go find Ron and hide. I hear Australia is nice this time of year."

Without further ado, Draco skedaddled. Severus smirked when he heard several loud crashing sounds. He turned back to the bed. Poultry Harry was staring at him, his feathers ruffled in his agitation.

"I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings," actually he loved it, but he didn't feel like having his eyes pecked out at that particular moment in time. "But I don't know how to change you back. He didn't use a spell. It was just a bit of accidental magic."

Harry squawked.

"Lucius is going to kill me."

Another squawk.

"He's behind me isn't he?"

"Yes I am. Severus, if you don't mind my asking, why are you talking to a fat, ugly pigeon?"

"First it's a turkey, second, because that bird you just insulted happens to be your now very pissed off young lover."

"Harry?"

"Got it in one."

"May I ask," Lucius' voice had cooled several degrees, "why you turned _my_ Harry into poultry?"

"Oy! He's mine too. And it was not I who did this. It was _your_ son."

Silence reigned supreme for one Mississippi, two Mississippi –

"I have no offspring. My son is dead."

"You can't kill him off just like that. He's your only heir."

"Can too. I'll just have to do my best to get Harry preggers as soon as possible. I hope you don't mind if the first child is mine, do you?"

"No that's fine – Ow!"

Severus and Lucius looked down to see an enraged turkey pecking the dickens out of their feet.

They glanced at each other, both smirking. He had spirit; it was why they had chosen him. Why they had both taken his side against The Dark Lord. Why they had helped Harry kill the maniac in his fifth year, two years ago.

Lucius reached down and grabbed the turkey, lifting the annoyed bird between himself and Severus. They petted it, cuddled it, and did their best to soothe it.

Let us all take a moment to stop and picture this scene. Jason Isaacs (in that outfit he was wearing at the end of the second movie) and a stark naked Alan Rickman, cuddling a turkey. (A/N: As weird as it probably is to you, my gentle readers, this is the kind of stuff that I think about every day. I want to share this small glimpse into my brain, with you because some have expressed a desire for year-round tickets.)

Back to my favorite threesome. They eventually managed to get Harkey (Harry + turkey, get it?) calmed down.

"Severus would you mind putting on some clothes? It's rather distracting."

"Oh yeah, sure thing."

So after everyone was fully dressed, well, except Harry who was in fact a turkey and didn't technically need clothes, it was full we-must-come-up-with-a-plan-to-turn-Harry-human-again-so-that-he-can-once-more-wear-clothes mode. They sat on the bed bullshitting for a good two hours. Harkey eventually fell asleep (not that he had been contributing much to the conversation anyway), and when the other two noticed they decided to give up. Clearly, an answer was not going to be found today. Muahahaha, if only they knew.

Just as they were getting ready to turn in for the evening, Draco, with Ron hot on his heels, burst into the room yet again.

"Father! Severus! Take a look at this! It's the weirdest thing I've ever seen."

They stood and walked over to the two boys (Harkey remained asleep). In Ron's arms was a small, bright yellow, rodent like creature with red cheeks, two brown stripes, black tipped ears, and a lightning bolt shaped tail.

"What in the seven hells is that?" Severus sneered, his wand held high in front of him.

Draco thrust a piece of paper at his father. "It had this in its mouth."

_To: Blond Stupid Head and Greasy Stupid Head_

_This is to fix Harry. It's a Pikachu. No, you don't need to know what that is._

_From: The Almighty Tala_

Severus quirked a brow. "So what do we do? Chop it up into a stew and feed it to Harry?"

As if in answer to his question the Pikachu jumped out of Ron's arms and ran to where Harkey was still snoozing away. It stood on its hind feet, spread them apart slightly, and flexed, straining its muscles. It looked constipated. "Pikaa-" it said, a yellow glow starting to form around it. "Chuu!" It shouted. A bolt of lightning shot from its body into Harkey's. Harry awoke with a shrill squawk that became a human shriek.

The electricity from the bolt combined with the creature's unique magic dispersed the spell surrounding the boy (thus releasing him from his feathery form). However, all Severus and Lucius saw was a strange creature they knew nothing about, sent by a mean-spirited God with a bad temper, attacking the man they loved. They simultaneously began firing curses at it. Lucius (the sadistic one) used Crucio and Severus (the impatient one with no time for torture) used Avada Kedavra.

Pikachu, sensing that the end was near, turned himself into a piñata so that he wouldn't have to feel any pain. The two spells hit the doll at the same time. It blew up, sending up a shower of candy and condoms over the room. There was quiet for a few moments as everyone adjusted to the changes in the room. Namely, the turkey that was now a very naked teenage boy.

"Well," Ron said, "that was odd."

"Quite." Draco surreptitiously picked up a few of the condoms and grabbed Ron's arm. "We should be going. Ta!"

He slammed the door behind them. Lucius and Severus turned to Harry. He smirked back at them. "Shall we follow their example then, gentlemen?"

The End

**A/N: Well, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed. Review or be forever annoyed by a mysterious ticking noise that only you are able to hear.**

**Someone asked so I will answer - I didn't put this as a crossover ****because I couldn't find Pokemon in the categories. O_o *shrugs* Maybe I'm just blind but I couldn't see it.**

**Lol I'm glad you're all not too mad at me for killing Pikachu. I was worried about that. **


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